Critical Comments Flow Freely from Parents
Do you make more positive comments or negative comments to your Children? If you’re like most parents, you make a lot more negative comments than positive ones. In her book, Building Moral Intelligence, Dr. Michele Borba writes “studies reveal that the average parent makes 18 critical comments to his child for every one positive comment.”
Really? Could we really be making that many critical comments to our children? In their article, “Why Our Kids Are Out of Control”, Azerrad and Change report “Glenn Latham, Ed.D., a family and educational consultant, has found that adults typically ignore 90 percent or more of the good things children do. Instead, they pay attention to children when they behave badly.”
Sadly the research clearly indicates that parents easily fall into the habit of paying more attention to misbehavior than good behavior.
Getting Attention for Misbehavior
Whenever you find yourself yelling at your kids or nagging them, you’re focusing on the behavior you don’t want. Statements like these focus on children’s misbehavior:
- “Stop whining!”
- “Don’t look at me that way.”
- “You’re wasting time – now get going on your homework.”
- “Quit your fighting!”
- “Don’t lie to me.”
By giving attention to misbehavior, we actually increase the chance that the misbehavior will be repeated. This isn’t what we want!
One example comes from a mom in one of my Parenting classes who was complaining about how her 2-year-old son was driving her crazy with his screaming. Whenever he was frustrated, he would scream at the top of his lungs. Typically she would stop whatever she was working on, go find him and help him resolve the problem. She found it especially irritating when she was busy preparing dinner and he kept interrupting her with his screaming.
After reflecting on the situation, she realized the attention she was giving him for his screaming was actually encouraging him to do it more often. This was the opposite of what she wanted! Her new plan was to periodically go find him when he wasn’t screaming and compliment him on his behavior. She also decided to ignore his screams of frustration. This new approach worked far better!
Paying Attention to Good Behavior
Since paying attention to our children’s good behavior doesn’t seem to come naturally to most of us, it’s going to take effort to do this. We need to specifically watch for our children to behave well and then acknowledge it.
There are many ways to reward good behavior:
- A light touch on the shoulder, a quick back rub
- A smile, hug or kiss
- Saying “Thank you.”
- Kind words, words of encouragement
Statements like these acknowledge children’s good behavior:
- “I noticed that you put away the puzzle after you were done playing with it. That was great.”
- “I heard you practicing your trumpet. It’s really sounding good.”
- “I appreciated how you held my hand when we crossed that busy street.”
- “Thanks for helping set the table.”
- “I love how well you’re sharing the markers.”
By pointing out our children’s good behavior, we will be encouraging their appropriate behavior while filling our homes with more positive energy. This is just what we want!
Give Attention to Behaviors You Want to Increase
Children crave attention and when they can’t get positive attention they will go for negative attention. Our job is to make sure we’re giving them so much positive attention that they don’t need to misbehave to get attention!
About the Author
Kathy Slattengren is an internationally recognized parenting educator and founder of Priceless Parenting, http://www.PricelessParenting.com. Priceless Parenting provides online parenting classes, parenting presentations and parent coaching.
Parenting Basics : How to Teach Parenting Classes
|
|
Brainy Baby – French $17.99 Studies show that children exposed to a second language during the first few years of life can more easily master the sounds of that language. Based on the concept of total language immersion, Brainy Baby: French is a commendable tool for those seeking bilingual enrichment for their youngsters. French is the sole language spoken through 45 minutes of instruction and live-action footage coveri… |
|
|
1-2-3 Magic – Managing difficult Behavior in Children 2-12 [VHS] $39.99 1-2-3 Magic – Managing difficult Behavior in Children 2-12 [VHS] [VHS Tape]… |
|
|
Having Your Baby! A Complete Lamaze Prepared Childbirth Class, English language version [VHS] $49.95 Parents-to-be who are interested in the Lamaze method but can’t attend a class will be happy to know they can learn it from this two-hour video. Taught by two certified instructors who are OB nurses, this is the only video course that teaches the complete method. Lamaze seeks to reduce pain through relaxation achieved by massage, focus, and a series of breathing techniques. The instructors shar… |
|
|
PROJECT FUTURE: Teen Pregnancy, Childbirth and Parenting. Project Future Part 2 (42 Minutes). Produced by Vida Health Communications & The National Organization for Obstacological, Gynecological & Neonatal Nurses. Title: Giving Birth To Your Baby Grade Level: 7-12 Format: VHS Details: 40 min., 1991, Vida Health Communications Synopsis: Project Future: Teen Pregnancy, Childbirth and Parenting- A comprehensive, six-part video curriculum designed specifically for pregnant and parenting adolescents. 3. Giving Birth to Your Baby, Part 1- 28 min. 4. Giving Birth to Your Baby, Part 2- 14 min…. |
|
|
Laugh and Learn About Childbirth $14.95 … |
|
|
Laugh and Learn About Breastfeeding $16.33 Although Breastfeeding is a natural process, it is mostly a learned art. Obstacles are the norm, but it is the best start that a mother can give her new baby. Breastfeeding benefits both mothers and babies, it protects babies from disease, and women who have nursed have substantially lower rates of breast cancer. Like the other two video classes in this series, ‘Laugh and Learn About Childbirth’ a… |
|
|
Laugh and Learn About Newborn Baby Care $17.00 A lot of new parents feel overwhelmed once they get home from the hospital. Most of them realize that they don’t have any idea how to take care of their newborn. This is where ‘Laugh and Learn About Newborn Baby Care’ will help you. Taught by Sheri Bayles, RN and childbirth educator, this new DVD is the only complete baby care course on the market, covering all aspects of how-to take care of your … |
|
|
Baby Shower Game: Baby Draw $11.99 This fun and easy Pictionary-like charades game comes packaged and ready-to-play for unlimited fun. If you want a game that will get people mingling and out of their seats, this is the game for your shower. Also makes a great ice-breaker for parenting classes. Baby Draw includes complete instructions, a one-minute timer and more than 100 playing cards (for big crowds or repeated use!) To play, cr… |
|
|
Blissborn Homestudy Program: Complete Natural Childbirth Education $297.00 You want a calm, natural birth. You know that with the right support, you’re capable…but you’re nervous about pain or losing control in labor. Imagine this: Before labor starts, you’re excited, prepared and confident. When labor starts you feel relaxed and deeply connected to your partner. As labor progresses you often look like you’re sleeping, but you’re not — you are in control, present, and… |
|
|
Responsible Behavior Reward Chart $19.95 Perfect for use at home or with students in the classroom, our big write & wipe chart has space to plan tasks, jobs and chores for up to three children at once…plus plenty of space to track their progress with reusable stickers. When kids meet their goals, treat them to a coupon good for an award you’ve chosen! Kit includes 150 stickers, 50 coupons and a marker. Easy-to display wall chart measur… |
Write a Comment